then my friend and i started to referee kids boxing, i didnt know crap and apparently you dont have to know!! I just had to watch out for biting, kicking and low punches.  We would go to all the fights and on on of these we met 2 guys and we asked our friends mom to let the guys take us to her house. They had a van, i rode up front with one of the guys and my friend went was in the back . All of a sudden we started hearing noises in the back…. yep she was … right there with a guy she had just met an with us in the front!!  i just made out with the other guy… the guy i had just met alsoo!! But it cost me biiiig!!! I got such a big throat infection!!!

Then i started seeing a guy who worked in burger king … He was such a charmer!! he read me a poem and sang me a song… I liked it sooo much i kissed him and that is when my mom caught us… but i dont remeber her being mad at me… anyways.. it only lasted 3 days because one day when i went to visit him a girl was already there waiting for him…

Then in 10th grade  i started seeing a guy i met while walking to school, he gave me my first hickey… i got to school late a few times because of him but i got tired of him and then found an alternate route to school.

In 11th grade one time i went to a pub.. checkers and i met a guy with a tongue ring and my friend said we should go to the beach because she had met a guy also… so we did and we made out till morning… i never heard from him again because i gave him a fake number… and who knows… he might not even tried calling!

after that came roberto …… …….. then carlos .

A few weeks before i was to leave to visit my dad i was told angello was killed over some drug thing…  my mom was right!!!

after that i went to Arkansas and went out once with my little cousins coach… bubba… hehe we had a good time but at the end of the night he took me to a lake or pond dont remember and we started making out and e put his hand ubder my shirt… i told him to take me home.

The next day i called him and told him i didnt like how things had gone.. that i wasnt that kinda girl…  We never talked again.

then back home   i met the guy that lived next to our apt building and id stay at his house till the wee hours … once when we were fooling around and his roomate walked in on us!!! oh the horror! I remember one night when we were outside talking a  car pulled out and a girl got out.. he asked me not to leave s i just sat there… he was sooo embarased  he started making up excuses… i didnt care.. i was empty inside i really believed this would be my life .. only good enough to fool around with! so i didnt really care and i told him so.. we were just fooling around, that we were friends with bennefits that was it.  I just didnt care!

But then i just stopped… I was tired of it

then about 2 years after that is when i met my husband…. a story for another day.

My first crush was a train reck!! i  honestly have to say i got pshyco on him, poor guy! hehe

His name was Alberto.. It was a normal crush at first, i didnt let him know i liked him, and he was really nice to me, we talked , made jokes we were good friends, untill i went psyco on the poor guy!! It started on 6th or 7th grade, i dont remember well.  He is the reason i “ran away from home” … My friend was throwing a party and he said he would go..  My mom said i could go as long as i stayed at her house and we didnt go walking around san juan… Well after a while when he didnt show up we first went everywhere looking for him and we were told that he was at “la perla” so thats where we went, but we didnt find him so we went back to the house, thats when my friends grandmother told us that my mom had called while we were out, when i called her back she went bonkers and told me she was gonna pick me up early, i pleaded and pleaded cause i still had hope that my crush would show up!! So i sat there listening to cristian castro and it was sooo sad!! i cried so much cause i was sure he would show up!! So my mom picked me up and took me home and she went back to work.

I then came up with the plan to run away, but i didnt want to scare anyone.. so i left a note. I had to go by the restaurant to i called my mom and told her i wanted to go out walking just in case someone saw me walking and told her, so i proseeded with my plan on running away, when in truth i was just going back to the party.

Then not even halfway i hear my dads car horn….

I get in the car and i am told that my brother found the note!!! DAMN!!  I got such a speech!!

In case you are wondering my crush never arrived at the party, so all for nothing!!

Then i did something that to this day i dont know why i did it!!

One day as i was listening to music i got an idea… I broke off the antenna of the radio and i drew a heart the size of my fist on the outside of my  right ankle… And i got the sharp end of the antenna and started to scrape it along my skin.. i scraped till i drew blood , i remember it hurt but i was surprised that it didnt hurt as bad as i thought it would , i wanted it to be like a tatoo so i did it pretty deep, i showed my friend and she asked me to do it to her, so one day after school i did it to her, i remember that while i was doing it to  her my crush passed by us and she called to him and told him i had done one to myself and that it was in his name!!! STUPID!!! He just walked away without saying a word.. but i can only guess what went through his mind at that moment!! my friend then gave me the idea to make it into a tatoo.. so we broke a pen and brushed it against our skin, but THANK GOD when i let it heal the ink came off with the scabs.  I also remember that i also scraped a few lines on my arm , like 3 or 4 small lines i remember my mom asking me what had happened and i told her i had scrapped myself with our school chairs… what a bad excuse!!! haha   After that i didnt do it again.

I later lost interest in him because in 8th grade i started crushing on another guy his name was antonio he had such a cute butt!! hehehe He was in 9th grade while i was in 8th grade.. he gave me strange signals cause i was told he liked me but when i went up to him he ignored me, but then he would come to me and ask if he could call me..  he would play volleyball after school and i would always go watch him play and he would start to show off when he saw me there… UNTIL…..

One day as im with my mom in the car waiting for the school bell to ring a group of kids walked by the car and thats when i saw him… what i noticed first were his green eyes… they put me in a trance!!

His name was Angello but everyone called him esnicker as in snicker the chocolate bar.. he later told me it was because he used to sell snicker bars. But i remember thinking it was because girls were drawn to him like a chocolate bar!! hehe corny huh But he was a charmer!

we started dating and it was awesome cause he used to come over after school to mine and we would sit in the bleachers while the volleyball game was going on, and it felt good cause antonio would stare at us all the time! And thats when i became popular for dating the cutest guy ever!! haha

Our first kiss…. oh my! my dad had come to pick me up and as i was saying goodbye he asked me for a kiss… i was going for a peck but he grabbed me and sucked on my mouth as if it were a jello shot!! It was sooo slobbery . And thats not the worst part… when i got in the car my dad said i hope thats your boyfriend!! I almost died!!!  he told me my mom would die if she knew this , so he wouldnt tell her .  You see my mom always knew that he was selling drugs, but i said otherwise because when i asked him (yes i asked him and i believed him ) he said no. thats why my mom didnt want me seeing him.

When i graduated 9th grade and went to another school we lost contact till about 11th grade, by then he had a few kids that he dennied, and he was seeing some girl in my friends school but i didnt care i liked him. One day i called him and asked him to come over to my friends house, and when he came over we started making out ( he was better at it.. and so was i hehe )  we went into the bathroom and things got a little too intense so i backed off.. first because i was scared it would hurt and second because i knew he had been with soooooo many girls i didnt want to catch anything he had .                   He called me a few times after that but i didnt answer his calls, i knew if we kept seeing each other it would come to that again, and i really wasnt interested in sex at the time, just making out.

to be continued…………..

I liked him the moment i laid eyes on him, but me being so shy i never told him anything.

I didnt let him know i liked him, but we bacame best friends right away, he would come to my house , we would talk on the phone for hours, sometimes we would start talking at 10 pm and we would talk till 5am!

One day he told me he had a crush on one of my then best friends, and i took on the role of matchmaker.. why  you might ask would i do this if i liked him so much? because i new he didnt like me, so why force it or be selfish? If he liked her then what was i to do?

They started going out in 10th grade, in 12th grade things started getting weird… i dont remember when he first said it, but hed bug me over and over that before we graduated he would kiss me, i didnt pay any attention to this, to me he was just bugging me, we had a really good friends so i didnt pay any attention to this, but i still dreamt about it happening.

He was having troubles with his girlfriend because they still hadnt had sex because she wanted to wait ( and because i later found out she was crushing on someone else)

But by this time i was going out with someone else…

But one night…….

Me and my best girl friend felt like drinking and we aked my mom to take us to pueblo and for her to buy us some baileys , while we were singing our hearts out we are scared to death by him walking up to the car and asking us what we were doing, we told him our plans of going up to the terrace of my apt building and just drink till we dropped . We asked him if hed like to join us, but he said he would see and left.

I secretly wished he did but i knew he wouldnt, so i put it out of my head.     We went home and did our thing, we didnt get drunk .. there wasnt enough haha so at about 12ish we went back down to my house and we were about to lay down when i heard my name being called downstairs .. my heart skipped a beat.. hell it nearly stopped beating!!

He came upstairs and all was good, we were getting kinda sleepy so i went to lay down on one of the sofas, my girlfriend took the other one and she fell asleep, so he came to sit on the floor in front of me.

He then said…

“Remember how i have always told you that i would kiss you before we graduated..?” i just nodded… i was sooo buzzed and sleepy by then that what hed just said didnt sink in, but all of a sudden he grabs my face in his hands and kissed me ……..OH MY!!!!  it lasted soooo long, it totally woke me up!

My best friend woke up and saw us and said something like “OH SHIT!” and went back to sleep.. or better said she pretended to go to sleep

He then told me he had had a huge fight with his girlfriend and thats why hed gone to pueblo.. he wanted to get drunk and forget the fight… I told him it was ok, that it was just kissing and just that one time… ( well many many maaaany times) but you know what i mean, i wouldnt read anything into it, so it wouldnt leave this room ,and he left.

That was the day before valentines day…

That is why i left my then boyfriend… why did i leave him? because i though.. i cant love him if i kissed the other guy, and because i kept thinking about that night and it wasnt the same anymore,  he didnt deserve being lied to.

When i told him he cried like you have no idea, we stayed friends though and many times he begged me to take him back, he even blamed himself!! And i never said otherwise.. what a bitch huh!

That night as i was getting into his car cause we were going out with my best girlfriend and the other guy appeared , and i thought OH SHIT!!! But thank god he played it cool and didnt say a thing, he invited himself to come with the 3 of us , it was so weird the whole night, meanwhile my then x was begging me to reconsider and i said no, he asked me why  and i have nooo idea what i said, i think i told him i needed time ! what a bitch!!! If anyone had told ME that, i wouldve sent them to hell and back!

Long story short, after my x left the other guy gave me a rose and told me his girlfriend had left him also. we started going out secretly, making everyone believe he was going out with my best friend…

@ a restaurant…as you can see we were playing on the lie

I fell hard for him, head over heels fell for him!!!  People eventually found out the truth but it was funny while it lasted!

I knew i was being used to make his x jealous but i “didnt care” .  I would secretly stay over at his house and try to have sex.. yep i said TRY!!

Karma is a bitch!

talk about opposites !!! I tell you ive seen many weeners, all sizes but i tell you no wonder his x didnt want to do anything!! there was nothing there for gosh’s sake!!!!  Not even enough for a tickle!!!!   It was as if Lorena Bobbit cut it !! Im sorry, maybe size doesnt matter its how you use it… fine fine… but hell he sure as hell didnt know how to use it!

At the time i didnt really care much because i wasnt that interested in sex anyway, but looking back DAMN!!!

Annyyywwaaayyy………

He sure as hell played me! He would one day talk to me and the next he wouldnt even look at me, he treated me like shit sometimes infront of other people . I cried sooo much over him!

One day my best friend called me and told me that he had told her that he had asked his x to the prom and if she said no he would ask me..  thats when my eyes finally opened up and i got tired, i was way tooo much into him so i decided to call it quits.. so i told him to come by my house .. When he got there we went to the terrace and i told him i wanted out cause i had feelings for him, and he told me he had feelings for me too but that his feelings for his x were greater, i understood  but still i didnt want to do this anymore, i had to much on my plate by then and couldnt handle that too.

So we left it at that.

Prom was getting close.. my sister found me a date.. but then that same day he called and told me he couldnt go cause they had made him work late so i went to prom alone… it worked out cause one of my good friends when i gor there asked me to be his date hehe

I remember my sister telling me that he wouldnt stop looking in my direction… I had hell of a time without him, i danced i laughed . everyone was gonna go to a hotel afterwards but i didnt feel like it plus i had a headache…  When we got home as im getting undressed my sisiter tells me not to take my makeup off cause she KNEW he would come.

And that he did…

we started going out again, but then he had to move to miami , we tried to keep the relationship going but it didnt work .

Like the song says… “Thank god for unanswered prayers”

12th grade… what a roller coaster!!

For some reason when i turned 19 i went crazy, i wanted to try new things and oh my did i ever!!! hehe

You can say i am lucky not to be an alcoholic! cause my gosh how we drank, i would drink any time i got the chance, yes there is a reason for this, but not yet…

I would get drunk every chance i got, though by what im told and what i have come to know is that im a happy crazy drunk! The shy me retreats far far faaaarr back inside me!

A group of my friends and i would go to the beach and get dirty drunk, we used to buy tequila, Don Q , baileys and add lots of sugar to them so we got really drunk, and wed smoke pot, i never really liked the effects of the pot mixed with the alcohol, so i either drank or smoked, though i drank and smoked menthol cigs, that made me crazy!!

We used to play truth or dare a lot hehe

Kissing girls & boys , showing my boobs, doing jumping jacks ( boys wanting to c my boobs bounce hehe stupid huh) going up to random people and asking them stuff.. many times i blacked out and to this day dont know what happened!

I started going out with this boy, he was really sweet and for some reason he fell really hard for me, but i had a crush on this other guy( story for  another day) he was suuuper sweet , we fooled around a lot but never all the way, once almost but my gosh when they say bigger is better… damn did they really mean thiiiisss!!! You might find it funny but bigger was scarrrryyy as hell!! or maybe it was tooo big!  The thing ime sure could walk on its own if he let it, it was a monster!

I decided to leave him on feb. 14… yep valentines day! this will be axplained in my next blog…

Meanwhile i was still drinking like a mad woman, and drugs well i tried a few pills here and there but i stuck with pot, it was the only one that didnt give me aheadache the day after, and because i went to crazy with the pills, i went skinny dipping a few times !! i was known as the crazy witch , and i was popular for the first time in my life!! damn how could i not i made out with so many guys! the funny part is, that i was protected by the guys, it never left our little circle! Thank God!!!

All this changed… when i kissed my best friends boyfriend!………

He said he would be moving out and a few days later when he picked me up from school he showed me where he was planning on moving.

Soon after he moved out of state, i felt betrayed , for a long time i blamed my mom for his leaving.

A few years after i went to visit him and one day as i was cleaning i came across an album under the sofa… As i opened it i felt betrayed all over again, but this time by my father, there were pictures in there that explained pretty much everything, thats when i knew id been blaming the wrong person all this time.

What he did was unexcusable, but hes my father and i guess no matter how many times he lets me down he still is and i love him, im just sad that i found out the truth so late.

Now we dont have the relationship i wish we had , but thats ok i have come to terms with that.

My dad was a great father when we were kids though… when he was here.

I just hope that my husband does a better job at being a daddy for her.. not just for a little while but forever and a day.

We also had play time in the parking lot of our apt building, thats where my father tought me to ride my bicycle , he would grab me by the back of my pants.

My mom would take us to the mall and sometimes buy us a toy , and when she would go into merianne we would sit in a corner of the store and play till she was done.

We used to go to the beach with my grandmother a lot, she would find a spot near the water and watch out for us, my brother and i would play that he was a shark and he had to catch me, or vice versa, but my favorite “game”would be when we had to put shirts on because the sun was getting to strong we would make the best of it … my brother would sit close to the shore and he would tuck his shirt inside his bathing suit and we would start to put sand inside it , i dont remember what was the idea behind this but i used tolove doing this, we would always laugh so hard!! remembering this its like i can her us laughing!

My grandmother would sit in her beach chair watching us and if we got to far she would get up and call for us, and then when she was ready to go in she would put everything we had brought on the chair and would cover it up with a towel. She would put on a swimmers cap and swimmers shoes, they where white and made of rubber, i guess she didnt like stepping on anything, im like her i cant step on anything when im at the beach just ask my husband, many times when i step on something i jump on top of him! hehe . She would always do her water excersizes , sometimes i would do them with her, now when i go to the beach i do them hehe

My life would be perfect if i had my grandparents here to see my daughter and for my father to be more involved in our lives, but my husband has always told me there is no such thing as perfect, so i guess hes right.

so …. i will start from the begining … Childhood

I have 3 siblings an older sister, an older brother and a little sister (the third was my little miracle baby.. but thats a story for later)

We used to have a restaurant that i still think of as my first home, i have so many memories there , i remember one day  my grandfather in his yellow shirt with his white apron  asking me what i wanted to eat , i didnt know what i wanted to he took me to the kitchen and showed me what he’d made  i remember his telling me he had made “arroz con gris ” and a steak.. so thats what i picked.

I remember my grandmother fighting with him because he had seated some people in the table we used to eat at the most, to me this was normal  he and my grandmother argued a lot, but now that i look back i can see that he used to pick fight with her a lot i think he liked aggravating her, but oh my god how they loved each other… but i saw this in the later years i dodnt know this at the time .

My dad used to be my hero, i remember wanting to stay at night with him while he worked at the restaurant and my parents never let me, i was a daddy’s girl.

My mom was always the one that was “strict” with us i use the term strict but she really wasnt strict , she was the one who would wake me up in the mornings to go to school, and when i would cry that i didnt want to go she was the one that would get mad at me , i remember that a few times she woke my dad ( or i woke him with my cries)  and he would go to me and talk me into going, and i would think that i had to go because he was asking so nicely that i couldnt make him sad ! HA

My mom was the one who i remember pinching me when i was being bad, but this as far as i remember only happened like 2 or 3 times, you see my mom NEVER spanked me ( if she did i dont remember )

I look back and i find it sad that i only have one memory of my parents being nice to each other , i was sitting at our usual table and i saw them kiss each other it was a little kiss but it must have impacted me for some reason because i can still see it in my head, my dad had a red shirt which was a bright contrast to his reaaally blond hair and my mom was wearing a green dress with a tight black belt.

My sister was who i looked up to , she was my idol!! hehe i always wanted to be like her, i would do everything she did, i imitaded everything she did or at least i tried to. I remember a few times when she would put blankets over her cannopy bed and she would act out her stories to me till her throat hurt. or till i fell asleep in her bed.

My brother.. well i remember one time when we were a bit older when we were at school  and at lunch time , and i was walking with my friends and i saw some of his friends picking on him or what i thought was them picking at him and i was so mad i yelled at them to leave my brother alone… i dont remember him mentioning anything about it to me but my memorie isnt that great hehe

those are little tid bits about my family…

till next time!!!